Friday, January 11, 2019

Justice League #15

Did the Nth metal enhance Hawkgirl's tits?

Last issue ended with Superman declaring that they had to evacuate the Earth because Starman was going to explode. This issue begins just a tad less dramatically.

Wonder Woman's so diplomatic. This must be her way of saying, "Evacuating the Earth is a bit much, Kal. This should suffice, you stupid farmboy."

Was Luke Skywalker a huge hero in the farmboy community? Did a whole bunch of farmer's kids in the 70s suddenly gain a huge amount of self-esteem and bravado? "Fuck yeah! We saved the universe! All those city dwellers are fucking garbage imperials!" I wonder how many of them got beat up after wearing tights and mini-kimonos to school after seeing Star Wars? They must have identified with him, right? I know I always identify with the son whose divorced mom still confusingly has glasses of wine with his dad as they watch Creature Features on Saturday Night while his sister plots fucking every boy in junior high.

Starman screams in pain as every cell in his body overloads with cosmic energy. But he still finds the composure to say, "Yo! The universe needs to be mended. Get to it, Justice League!" Lucky! Otherwise Wonder Woman would just kick him in the balls as Batman sticks a dozen razor-sharp Batarangs into his head and Superman punches him so hard in the stomach that Starman's colon blows out his backside. And then they'd never know what it was all about and the universe would implode while they were busy scratching their heads.

Hawkman is so savage that he chokes up on the mace to decrease his power. Because being savage means he's stupid, presumably.

Meanwhile on Hawkworld, characters I've never cared about do more things I don't care about.

No wait! I do care about what's going on because it's poorly written. At the end of last episode, Shayera told Hawkman to kill Kendra. She said, "Now kill her," not "Kill her but first let me say about five thousand words about how I don't relish doing this but, you know, politics!" It's a good thing she interrupts Hawkman's killing blow with her speech because it gives the Hawkguard who Hawkman was about to kill enough time to break through Martian Manhunter's mind illusion. It wasn't Kendra at all! It's like nothing Tynion wrote at the end of the last issue was true!

Be right back. Masturbating.

Um, so, J'onn learns the big secret: the current DC Multivers is a lie and the creator of the previous one, Perpetua, is coming back. I don't know who she is but I bet she's bringing some kind of crisis with her.

Back on Earth, Earth isn't destroyed by Starman. The huge threat that had Superman wanting to evacuate the entire Earth ends off-camera with Wonder Woman simply lassoing Starman. But you can tell it was a huge, tense, exciting fight because the Hall of Justice is now full of debris and dust. Also Wonder Woman's and Batman's cape (two different capes!) are shredded.

Justice League #15 Rating: I feel like DC released two versions of this comic book and I got the "Battle on Thanagar Prime" version. It was probably better than the "Trinity Battle Starman" version seeing as how that fight simply ended with Wonder Woman wrapping Starman in a rope. But I still can't help wanting the version I didn't get, like a sad, lonely, nerd version of Edith Wharton's The Age of Innocence. My main gripe with this comic book (and probably almost all DC comic books at this point) is that the conflict is always escalated to the nth degree. Now the Justice League isn't even simply fighting for the fate of the entire universe; now they're fighting for the fate of the entire multiverse! At least nobody is calling it the omniverse. Ugh. Why did I remind myself of Scott Lobdell?! Now I need to drink until I vomit.

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