Monday, November 12, 2018

Justice League #10

This is obviously going to be a terrible issue.

I'm not exactly sure why I continue to read all of the Justice League books. I suppose I still retain a small part of the comic book fan I used to be. The one that wanted to believe all of the hype surrounding every big change in the DC Universe, as if it were part of a larger story that would somehow, eventually, resolve into a coherent plot. It's like when you believe life means something because how could it not? Experiencing the beauty and tragedy of this world practically forces a person into thinking it must all be for some reason. But eventually, if you're paying any sort of attention and haven't been completely brainwashed and deluded by outside sources that want to control and manipulate your every action (or, simply, by your own selfish ego that insists on eternal existence), you see the truth and you say, "Fuck you, Keats! Truth is not beauty at all! What the fuck were you talking about?! Truth is a dark pit of despair washing away all hope and wonder and screaming in your face, 'Sentience is an accident that will ultimately betray you!'" And that's how I've felt about Scott Snyder since the end of "Death of the Family." The good shit he wrote was an accident and he, ultimately, betrayed me. Sometimes I'm thankful when he ditches a project to let James Tynion IV take over. At least then I get to write speculative conversations about what Tynion did to become Snyder's lackey.

This issue is the prelude to Aquaman Month. It's not a coincidence that Aquaman Month is taking place in No Nut November (which, by the way, I refuse to believe is a real thing since isn't everything now just the creation of some wayward posting on 4chan or Reddit? The dark monsters posting there have become our true gods now). And now that I've mentioned not nutting, I'm suddenly not interested in Aquaman! Not that I was ever interested in Aquaman. That statement itself is not a wild proclamation. It probably ever needs to be written. In any description of anybody ever (like say an About the Author blurb or a Grindr profile), I automatically, in my head, append "Not a fan of Aquaman." Being a fan of Aquaman is the kind of thing you have to state and then restate after the person listening to you finally hears something you're saying and says, "What the fuck did you just admit to?" Also, they weren't listening to you up until that point because I'm assuming that if you're an Aquaman fan, you're boring as shit.

Oh, don't get me wrong about my dislike of Aquaman! I hate being on the same side of a debate as the people who make fun of Aquaman because they know you're supposed to make fun of Aquaman. Everybody knows he's the joke character of the Justice League and it's okay to make fun of him. I am the kind of Aquaman hater that Aquaman lovers despise. I am a well-informed Aquaman hater. I was there during his four issue miniseries where he got the blue waves costume and everybody thought Aquaman was going to be the next big thing in comics. It is true that series was worth a lot of money for the length of time it took everybody to read all four issues. But it didn't do anything for Aquaman. He still sucked. Now he just sucked even worse because he starred in a series that was basically a therapy session that he mostly just weeps in. I was also there for Peter David's attempt to make him angsty by giving him long hair and a hook. I would explain how well that changed Aquaman's standing if I could actually remember any of the series. In any case, he's just one of those things that keeps on sucking, no matter how many memes show him commanding sharks to jump out of the water to eat parademons.

Oh, sorry! I was going to speak about not nutting when I was rudely interrupted by my lack of reverence for Aquaman. Apparently people think not nutting helps a person to retain their chi and, thus, have more energy to accomplish things. I think that line of argument is true but in a way that nobody talks about. Refraining from jerking off while also not being able to get laid does not mean you suddenly have more energy stored up to accomplish greater things. But it's not about the saved energy at all. It's more about the distraction. If you want to jerk off, you think about jerking off until you've jerked off. Once you jerk off, your mind is clear. The desire has been satiated and you can move on without distraction. No Nutters live in a constant state of distraction. They constantly think about jerking off because they won't jerk off. And to keep themselves from jerking off, they need to distract themselves even further. So they do things that aren't jerking off while thinking, "Holy shit do I want to bust a load." I'd rather interact with people who have freshly jerked off (one reason I'm against shaking hands, by the way) or gotten laid because I know that whatever we're talking about, it's what they actually want to talk about. But if you're dealing with a No Nutter, you're dealing with somebody who is thinking about busting a nut the entire time you're interacting with them. It's disgusting. Go fucking jerk off, you gross withholder of self-gratification.

Anyway, enough about jerking off! Let's discuss the jerk-off, Aquaman!

In the prologue to Drowned Earth, Aquaman learns that evil water heroes that have also been rejected by their planets exist throughout the universe. They're angry at people thinking they're useless, especially when it comes to space travel and interstellar conflicts, and they're going to teach every person on Earth that water-based hero aren't jokes! Will Aquaman side with them or we will swallow his dignity and help those who can't stop cracking talks with fish jokes?!

Grade: C. Sometimes I wonder why expect this comic book to be about the relationships between the greatest heroes on Earth instead of realizing it's just about making them fight threats to the entire world (if not the entire universe). Sometimes I wonder if I spend money on this book because, deep down, I truly fucking despise myself. Whatever's going on, you can be assured that I'll be reading entire Drowned Earth story!

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