Friday, November 16, 2018

Batman: Secret Files #1

Most of the files are about masturbation.

Secret File #1: Superman gets sexually aggressive after just one margarita.

Secret File #2: Ever since Batman discovered Gotham had been fucking the Court of Owls, he wonders if Alfred has also become dissatisfied with him.

Secret File #3: Batman writes aphorisms and tries them out on his rogue's gallery's victims. Later, he sends them comment cards to find out how effective they were. This one scored particularly low.

Secret File #4: Batman doesn't help poor people and profits off of weapons of war. Oh wait. That one wasn't a secret at all!

Secret File #5: Gotham has snow-topped mountains.

Secret File #6: Batman sometimes feels alone (even though he totally doesn't) and he shoots dangerous weapons into the dark without knowing what he's shooting at (even though he totally doesn't) and when he kills a deer, he simply covers it with snow and hopes nobody notices (okay, I totally by he does that. Hell, he just did it to KGBeast in Batman #57!).

Secret File #7: Jordie Bellaire tells a Batman story the way Cullen Bunn tells an Aquaman story (meaning, sure, they told a coherent story about a person doing a thing but that person in no way resembled Batman (or Aquaman!)).

Secret File #8: Tom Taylor has the best name for a Batman/Detective Chimp team-up.

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