Monday, November 12, 2018

Batman #57

Who are the editorial geniuses who chose not to rebrand KGBeast as iBeast? And Microsoft Windows 10 Demon?

Tom King wrote this issue so should I grade it before even reading it? Very well, I will: Grade: A+! That should give the anti-Tom King fanatics conniptions!

One of the dumbest complaints I've gotten from people who love my blog so much that they can't stop calling me an idiot is that I'm biased. As if that's some kind of insult! As if other comic book reviewers online are somehow so above bias that they can actually read a Scott Lobdell comic book without needing the number to a suicide prevention hotline on-hand. Yes, I'm biased! I'm biased toward writers that can tell good stories. If Tom King wanted to change DC canon by revealing Batman has Down Syndrome, I wouldn't fucking care as long as it worked in the story. Also, can we get a superhero with Down Syndrome? Maybe the next Robin?

For the record, my reviews aren't as biased as critics say they are. If I want to point out that 80s post-Omega Men Lobo is the greatest character DC ever came up with, that isn't me being biased. That's me being gay. I want Lobo to fuck me. Can you imagine how beautiful his cock is? Unless that's the only body part of his that isn't exactly like a human. He could have a spork down there for all I know. But believe me, I wouldn't be disappointed. Who could be disappointed by a surprise spork? Especially when it's also a cock?!

Tom King's fifty-six previous issues of Batman haven't all been gems. But most of them have been so well written that when I see the unbiased Internet critics shitting all over them, I realize that some fans don't understand the difference between "unbiased" and "incredibly fucking stupid."

This issue begins with KGBeast's father telling him a story about animals heading to St. Petersburg to worship God. King leaves the story hanging as he gets back to the Batman bit that everybody purchased this comic book to read. Just like he left us hanging about Dick Grayson being shot in the head. What's going on with that?! Is he dead? Was he wearing a Kevlar wig? Fans who can't get past ever single aspect of a story being immediately explained and then justified as to how it fits into the overall DC Universe and decades worth of canon stories are going fucking nuts!

This is a good example of why bad guys with guns don't work in comics and action movies. Because I need to believe that the hero wins out through their skill and ingenuity. Being shot at by dozens and dozens of men (or one man dozens of times as in this Bat-example) and not getting killed means the hero wins out through mere luck. Nobody can argue Batman avoided these bullets through skill and training. Batman got lucky this time.

Meanwhile in the children's story, the God-loving animals leap into a pit because they're stupid. Or maybe they each had faith they could leap the pit even after watching the previous animals plummet to the bottom. In either case (faith or stupidity), they wind up in a worse position than animals that rely on evidence and science-based reasoning. Which probably means they're going to have to eat each other.

To be fair and balanced on the critique of weapons in action movies and Batman comics, I can't see how Batman's batarang is any better. Unless that thing was laced with Ketamine, what the fuck was it supposed to accomplish?

The hare and squirrel are eaten first after the fox proposes a singing contest to determine who would become dinner. This is probably some sort of commentary on Fox news, right? I bet next, the fox challenges everybody to a debate on Venezuela to decide who's next. Which is basically what happens. Lastly, the fox pretends to eat himself so that his viewers think, "Oh! That's a great idea!" And so the pig dies too. I guess the moral should be coming up in a few pages. I bet it's something like "The Batman always gets his man."

The twist at the end of the tale is not that the reader never finds out what happened to the fox after he ate the pig. The twist is that Bruce Wayne also like having that story read to him! Who would have thought?! Another example of Batman and his enemy being two sides of the same whatever! "I never get tired of that," I said as I was well past being tired of it.

The fight between KGBeast and Batman ends with Batman firing his grapple gun into KGBeast's chin and breaking his neck. Batman leaves him to die in the snow exactly like how he left him to die that time he took off his arm. So I guess when KGBeast next returns, he'll have a prosthetic head?

Actual Grade: C. Maybe if I thought about the animal story and how it relates to the battle between Batman and KGBeast, I'd understand this story better and it would get a better grade. But sometimes you just don't have the energy to expend on analyzing a piece of literature. Mostly I don't see myself having that kind of energy for another three and a half years, thanks to Twin Peaks: The Return. Anyway, I guess we'll find out why Nightwing was shot in the face and how he survived it next issue? Maybe a starving bluebird took the bullet for him because a fox dared it to!

No comments:

Post a Comment