Earth 2 #32

Why has nobody taken Fury aside to tell her that her outfit makes no fucking sense?

Let's change our language regarding sexual identity! From now on, our sexual identity should be expressed by the sexual organs with which we want to interact. So if you love vagina, you'd be a Vagetarian. And if you like dick, you'd be a Cockivore. If you liked them both, you'd be at the Omnibuffet. If you're not into any sexual organs, you'd just carry a napkin around and when somebody asks, you'd hold it up to your lips as if you were covering a burp and shake your head no. If you're just into ass play, you're a Regular at the Salad Bar. I think this fixes the entire conversation on sexual identity! Where's my Nobel Cock Ring?

One of the issues with sex is that I think the younger a person is (yet still being old enough to be all into doing it big time and a lot!), the more pressure that person feels to seem kinky and outrageous in the bedroom. A lot of unnecessary bragging goes on during the first decade or two of sexuality. There's a need to impress a partner with wild flailing or pushing boundaries or even involving yourself in sexual situations where you find yourself ultimately uncomfortable but press on for the sake of how your partner sees you. Eventually though, you hit a certain age where you just want you and your partner to have a good time that ends in orgasm for both parties. You don't need to impress anybody or be afraid that your vanilla sexy style is going to bore your partner. You just do to your partner things they like that bring them to orgasm and hope your partner reciprocates by doing things you like that will bring you to orgasm. You don't need wild flailing or breathy moans or Lovecraftian sex talk (unless you're fucking me and then you'd better do some research) in the bedroom. You just need to be the nakedest, most trusting and open version of yourself. And maybe a bull whip and some Ben Wa balls.

Passionate, experimental, youthful, trying hard to impress sex can be a lot of fun. But it can also be exhausting. After a certain age, it's just nice to find a trusting partner with whom you can have relaxing, comfortable orgasms! Did I mention the exhilarating pleasures of dangerous sex involving strangers with loaded guns? Should I not have mentioned that? Should I delete the link to the website where you can meet up for that? Yeah, I probably should.

Um, Earth-2 has people on it and they have sex as well! Whew! What a smooth segue!

See? The comic opens up with some Kryptonian sexy talk.

I wonder if Oracle's kink (the New 52 Galactus created by Scott Lobdell and not the Preboot Babs in a wheelchair version) is that he can only get off while watching worlds die? So Oracle sends out that guy with the horn to find dying planets so that he can rush over and jerk it while he watches the planet die.

This is the last issue of Earth-2, so Earth-2 is probably going to get fucked by Apokolips. Literally!

Ha ha! Right. "Drill."

After The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick points out the drill, Hawkcop quotes the Earth-2 version of Star Wars: "That's not a drill--it's a modified satellite." That didn't even end in an exclamation point which can only mean Earth-2 Star Wars was boring.

While The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Hawkcop joke about the "drill," Doctor Cocoa Puffs whines and pouts about how he failed his friends and abandoned them during the battle. And since the battle is still raging, Doctor Cocoa Puffs throws down the helmet and continues to abandon his friends while completely hating himself.

Commander Sato brings up to speed the only hero that can possibly save everybody: Replacement Batman! At least I think he's the only person that can save them by some kind of Bruce Willieian sacrifice. He can't make it back to Earth-Main-Earth because that would make Bruce Wayne cry constantly. So he's going to have to become a martyr to give everybody else a chance to escape. Commander Sato's quote's Earth-2's version of Red Dwarf to get her message across to Replacement Batman. "Dead, Batman. They're all dead. Jimmy Olsen? Dead, Batman. The Avatars of Earth? All dead. Everyone is dead, Batman."

And then the super hot sex scene that's making me super uncomfortable in the pants.

Just so we're clear: I'm totally against planetary rape and planetary rape culture.

Steel finally gets to have some time with the talking stick and he describes that time way back in Issue #13 where he went into the firepit and met the Red Avatar. He starts talking about choices and hope and living and dying but since he's military, he can't help but ruin anything he previously said by ending his speech with "do your damn duty." Fuck you, Steel! Sometimes walking away from your damn duty is the more ethical decision! I hate you!

Commander Sato gives an impassioned halftime coach to the players speech which ends with "Ten against the gods!" I'm disappointed that nobody says, "Gods? Never tell me the gods!"

Oh Val-el. What happened to your incessant mantra of "There's got to be another way"?

I had such high hopes for a pacifist Superman who always stuck to his principles, refusing to throw a single punch while always finding another way to use his powers to subdue or defeat his enemies. But he's just going to become the same old guy that constantly resorts to throwing punches, isn't he?

Hawkcop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs penetrate the "drill" to find and destroy its power source. They discover a glowing ball of fire which is probably a decent representation of an alien power source, so Hawkcop begins shooting bullets into it. She seems surprised when her "guys" (how cute! She calls her guns her guys!) are powerless against it. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs saves the day, proving that he can wield the Helm of Nabu without going completely bonkers. I think it's time to upgrade his name to Doctor Froot Loops. Froot Loops are less crazy than Cocoa Puffs, right?

So the satellite is destroyed but that doesn't mean Apokolips has been defeated! There's still more story left for the Earth-2 wonders over in that piece of extreme garbage, World's End! I mean, that excellent weekly periodical!

Earth 2 #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. For once some of the important action got to take place in Earth-2 instead of World's End! That made this issue reminiscent of a postcard from Devil's Tower that liberally interprets the Lakota myth of its creation.