Monday, June 3, 2013

Batman: The Dark Knight Annual #1

Scarecrow wants an article too!

I've often wondered if DC has standardized rules for whether or not any particular character should have "the" attached to their name. Does The Daily Planet have a style guide for this sort of thing? Is it Batman or The Batman? I don't think it's ever The Superman unless someone is trying to describe which super man they're talking about. "Superman, idiot! THE Superman!" In the case of this cover, I would have at least gone for consistency and said "the Scarecrow!" But that's why I think DC actually has some rules somewhere about the names! Why else would they ignore consistency if not for some mysterious set of rules for adding "the" to a character's name.

I think, if you want to be absolutely correct, the only time you add "the" to Batman's name is if "the" is followed by "Goddamned."

This Annual takes place on no particular Halloween. The Mad Hatter has received a missive from Oswald Cobblepot to meet him at The Mad Hatter's old condominium, the Arkham Detention Facility for Youth.

I guess someone else sent the notes. What the fuck is this? A romantic comedy?

I think The Great Pumpkin sent the notes because there are pumpkins on them. Or maybe The Headless Horseman. Is there a Headless Horseman in the DCU? Maybe they were sent from Jack Pumpkinhead from The Dreaming. That's it. I don't think it could be anybody else, so it better be one of those choices or my suspension of disbelief is going to be strained to its limits.

It turns out Scarecrow also received a note with a pumpkin stamp. Now that I think about it for a bit longer, I guess this story isn't necessarily taking place in the present because Halloween hasn't fallen in June for a very long time. So now I'm really hoping that Damian sent the notes!

Speaking of consistency....

Oh, oh! I know this poem:

"Once upon a midnight dreary, The Jabberwock could see me clearly,
Masturbating quite furiously over some hardcore gay porn,
With my rod out, quickly fapping, suddenly I needed crapping,
Urgently I stopped my slapping, flapping through my bathroom door.
'You're disgusting,' he gallumphed, 'grappling with your vorpal sword.'
Snicker snack and nothing more."

I forget the rest.

While this motley trio discuss who could have sent the notes, some lightning flashes and some bats flap about. Now they're all quite sure that The Batman has brought them together to torment them. You'd think they'd remember that there's another guy in town that goes by The Joker and this is all a big joke! Or a prank and there's that creep called The Prankster. This could also be considered a trick and it's Halloween, so maybe it's the Trickster! I'm beginning to suspect that my earlier belief that it could only be one of three distinct people was a bit off the mark.

Now The Penguin is finally thinking! I've already said (somewhere and many times!) that the richest people in Gotham are insurance salesmen, doctors, dentists, glass repair men, and drywallers.

They continue to discuss Batman's faults as the lightning and shadows and kreeeeeeks and darkness scare the tea and stuffing and pellets out of them. They decide their best course of action is to escape into the hedgerow maze because they're idiots. I think The Penguin's best course of action is to just walk out the front door. He's an upstanding citizen! Kind of! Well, at least he's not a psychopath. He's just a sociopath! But he's terrified because it's Halloween and Batman is scary.

After running into a Batman-shaped scarecrow, they retreat back into the house.

I don't see these guys ever teaming up ever again in all of The New 52's future stories.

Their bickering and ineptitude eventually leads to low self-esteem and drug use. Hopped up on the Scarecrow's fear toxin, they all begin to revel in their self-loathing. They all end up huddled and crying and sobbing and broken at the bottom of a staircase. Only when the sun comes up, do they gather up their things and make their escape.

I don't think these three really cross paths much anyway. Now they'll probably actively avoid each other.

In the end, it was, of course, The Goddamned Batman that played a Halloween prank on these idiots. Which is probably why they fucked with him so hard later in the year! Stop antagonizing psychos, Batman!

Batman: The Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: Trick and Treaty!

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha, I could so see this happening. Now if only I hate A Mad Hatter figure, I might be able to somewhat recreate this story.

    Good stuff.
    and yeah, I don't think'll be teaming-up of their own accord anytime soon.