Dial H #9

The Centipede turned into Better Looking Donald Trump?

Nelson fucked up last issue and reverse dialed while The Human Centipede was watching him. Then The Human Centipede took Nelson's dial but I don't know how Nelson could have prevented that. With his time power, The Human Centipede could have done any number of unspeakable acts to Nelson without Nelson being able to do anything. I'm so sweet and innocent that I can't even speculate on what could possibly make an act unspeakable. Maybe being trapped inside a box or walking against the wind?

The Human Centipede claims he knows what the dial is and how to use it but he can't seem to put the theory into practice.

His time power must trump any new Dial powers.

Manteau comes to Nelson's rescue, managing to zap The Human Centipede in the back of the head with a taser and then use the Dial while The Human Centipede is holding on to it. She turns into The Big Breasted Bull unless it's something else. It's kind of hard to tell because the art this issue is really poor.

Manteau summons a labyrinth to trap The Human Centipede so I guess she's actually the Womynotaur.

Turns out she's Minotaura. That's as dumb as the name I came up with!

I really should organize my reams of handwritten material so that I can find what I'm looking for when I want it. Somewhere I have a passage from the middle of my college novel (you know the one? The one that never actually ends up being written) that describes my life as wending through a labyrinth. Fuck you! I said it was a college novel! You don't have to be so judgmental about my use of metaphors! Besides, the labyrinth has multiple levels of meaning in the book, right down to being a metaphor for the book itself. Anyway, the protagonist (or me or whatever!) finds himself fearful of the snorting and clomping sounds of the minotaur somewhere ahead of him, causing him to lollygag and drag his feet, afraid to move forward, afraid to make choices. But through slow progress and mere attrition, he eventually finds himself at the center of the labyrinth, far behind the others that had entered the maze with him. And as he begins to tentatively explore the other side of the maze, he realizes that the minotaur is no longer ahead of him, but behind him and close on his heels. The weight of time wasted descends upon him and he now quickens his pace, rushing headlong through the last of the maze, overly aware of the time wasted avoiding the minotaur that ultimately just allowed the minotaur to get closer and nearly catch him.

While everybody judges their early writing harshly, I still like this bit (and wish I could find the actual piece!) because of the way, while doing other things as well, it also attempts to explain how we, as human beings, process time. In the beginning of the maze when everything is new and exploration and not exit is the primary goal, time is slow and expansive, seemingly endless in its reserve. Yet the older we get, the more time weighs heavily on us. The wandering now hampers the goal, whatever that ends up being for each person. Death is ever present and we rush headlong toward it while running from it at the same time. Now when someone says something idiotic like "Stop and smell the roses," all you can think about is death closing in as you putter around shoving flowers in your face. "Seize the day!" "Live each day as if it were your last!" "Show up for life!" How about you all shut the fuck up with your words of wisdom on how best to enjoy life, hunh? You're wasting my Goddamned time!

You can go back and skip those last two paragraphs if all you're really interested in is finding out what happens to Nelson and Manteau. That whole minotaur thing distracted me from what was really important: writing a synopsis of the plot of this comic book!

Back at Canada's Black Ops facility where The Human Centipede was created, they continue to experiment with their Dial. They have one Dial but a huge facility focused on discovering how it works and what it does. So far, they don't know much. They don't even know why the volunteer that was Autumn Lad continuously freezes up when on missions. The whole operation was set up to keep up with the other nations and their super powered people. It's the new arms race and everyone is trying to come up with their Superman. Ha ha! Good luck! AMERICA! AMERICA!

Oh yeah! That monster on the cover? That's just The Human Centipede with a high tech monster mask. Apparently Canada Black Ops needs a face to their greatest hero and The Centipede needed to look less Human. Less people will think "ass to mouth" when they see the gigantic bug head on this guy's shoulders. The head also has built in features to help in The Human Centipede's espionage missions. His main mission right now is personal: to find out what Manteau knows about the dials. Okay, sure, Canada Black Ops would like to know that too. But seeing as how The Human Centipede cut off radio contact with his superiors when he approached Nelson, he must want this information for himself first. He even kept a bunch of Manteau's notebooks he stole from her residence in Littleville instead of turning them over to the research guys.

While The Human Centipede tries to track down Manteau and Nelson through his research, Manteau has already tracked down the headquarters of Canada Black Ops (I wish I could remember if this organization had a name!). Nelson dials a bunch of heroes until he becomes The Glimpse, a super hero that is always just on the edge of vision. His job now is to infiltrate and gather information. But we all know that silly Nelson! He's going to try to steal Canada's dial while he's inside! And he'll probably come to blows with The Human Centipede which sounds sexy and disgusting and quite intriguing.

This is where I would scan a picture of The Glimpse but his super power is not quite being seen, so suck it.

Nelson may not be able to be seen by the soldiers and staff in the building but they know he's there due to a spike in D-Waves! My guess is the "D" stands for "Douche". The Human Centipede heads to the dial to protect it.

The Human Centipede knows more about the Dial than Manteau because government organizations utilizing hundreds of thousands of dollars and man hours are more efficient than a couple dozen hippies getting fucked up at a Grateful Dead concert while discussing the philosophy of the telephone magic and the art of making brownies.

Nelson discovers the location of the other Dial within the complex and instead of exiting with that information, he decides to check it out. What a shock! The big fat lunkhead thinks he can do anything when dialed in. But The Human Centipede was watching him through the filters in his Bug Mask and scared the man that would be Autumn Lad into using Canada's Dial to protect himself from The Glimpse. The Human Centipede wants to learn something from this confrontation but I don't know what exactly. The issue ends with Nelson entering the room with the Dial and the Boy That Was Once Autumn Lad.

I would not have guessed this Dial hero's name.

Dial H #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book needs more pages.